Crossroads

Life continues to be exciting. Yesterday, two days after Dada-Dadi left, our nanny decided to quit. Turns out she needs to divorce her husband whom she found to be cheating on her. She gave me an explanation for why that means she needs to quit.

Anyway, I firmly believe that every cloud has a silver lining. Yesterday, for the first time ever, I spent the whole day with Kabir. I gave him his massage, his bath, rocked him when he needed to sleep, fed him his lunch, invented many new games to make him laugh and ofcourse, washed his one thousand diapers. I think I learnt more about him in one day than I did in the last six months. Today again, I'm home taking care of him. I already feel much more in control and some of the fear I had yesterday is already gone. I understand his routine now, and his signals. He's enjoying being with me. And me with him.

Now what about my job? Ive taken the day off from work today, but what about tomorrow? I don't know the answer yet. I definitely need time to think through this, but I can tell you that I'm done with nannies. My problem is that I get too invested in relationships, even if its one with our nanny. And I don't want myself or Kabir to invest again in another nanny only to find ourselves in the same situation again. The overwhelming emotion I feel right now is that I don't want to depend on anyone else to take care of my son anymore. He is by far, my highest priority and I am convinced that no one can take care of him the way I can. Simply no one.

So where does that leave me? I certainly can't think of quitting my job. I love my work - I just want to be able to put it on hold for some time. Or somehow make it more flexible than it already is. I will need to discuss my options with my employer. My decision won't be rash, but it will certainly be an emotional one. Let's wait and see what destiny has in store.